I have been trying to put some thoughts together about how
I’m feeling in light of Ben’s birth regarding Julia’s death. The truth is, I haven’t had too many
thoughts about anything…I seem to be on autopilot sleep-deprived mommy brain
while adjusting to two children, for the second time.
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| Julia |
It is different this time. Julia was an “easy” baby who slept a lot and was content
doing almost anything; in the first week of his life, Ben cried more than Julia
ever did. But my heart ached for
Julia every moment of her life.
The heart surgery was supposed to give her life; sustaining her life for
5 months prior to it was a monumental task. My anxiety level was so high; how could I possibly fulfill the
heavy task of keeping her alive until the surgeon performed his miracle? But her story was, instead, that we
were able to know her for five months before she gained true life while in the
hospital under utterly competent care.
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| Ben |
Ben is definitely not an “easy” baby, but we are still
grateful. To us, he is so advanced:
he cries when he needs something, or just because he wants to; his bowels work
the way they are supposed to; he eats greedily; he is so very strong! It is much easier to wake multiple
times per night to feed a baby when he calls to you, rather than setting an
alarm to feed Julia, who thrashed and choked and simply wanted to sleep for 12
hours at night, despite it putting her health in peril.
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| Nat and Ben |
Sometimes I walk Ben around the house and point out Julia’s
pictures to him. I tear up,
wishing he could have known his second sister. And yet, there are times when her life seems like a
dream…did we really have her? Did
we really experience all of the emotions and difficulties that I remember? But I always think of Ben as my third
child…I have never been tempted to call him our second.
The women’s ministry pastor at our church pointed out
something beautiful to me: that Ben will always have a special connection to
Julia, because I carried him while grieving her. Perhaps in some way he will always have a special
sensitivity to others because of the tears and emotions I had for her during
his formation and development.
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| Natalie and Julia |
Ben’s life does not seem like a resolution to the “problem”
of our grief, as I wrote about previously, but he does seem to fill an absence
that I felt in our family. When I
was pregnant with him, it felt so odd to be a family of five, but to only have
one child present. Now, with the
clamor and mess that accompanies having two children in our home, I honestly
don’t have the time or emotional space to process Julia’s absence in the way
that I was able to in 2014.
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| Nat and Ben |
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| Ben |
I recently came across some words that Taylor wrote to me on
my birthday last year, written two months before Julia’s death, and I marvel at
how true those words were:
“This is my prayer for you this year: that you hold on. That you are granted deep peace in a
tumultuous time. That you are
shown mercy in big ways and in little ways, and that God continues to pull back
to curtains for you to see even more of his little mercies. That Natalie and Julia and I would be a
blessing to you as you are a blessing to us. That the Lord would lead you to quiet waters and restore
your soul. And that we would look
back on this time in our lives and realize that it was a crucible that
strengthened our marriage, our faith, and our love for each other.”
All of those prayers have been answered, but not in a way
that I ever would have foreseen or asked for. Julia will always be an important part of our family, and I’m
so grateful for the many people who have walked with us and remembered her
through this time.
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